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Halfway through the orange bottle, I am better.
The darkness of my days starts floating away,
Replaced by a glittering brightness only I can see.
I look in the mirror and there is no more sadness written on my face.
The worry lines have danced off my forehead as my brain sparks alive.
Rusty, squeaky but finally working, it rapidly churned out new ideas
I am learning new things!
Adopting new views!
The dots are connecting!
Everything makes so much more sense now.
Formally shy, I burst through literal and metaphorical doors.
Every bar in town knows me now. I am free from social anxiety!
This is ALIVE- I’m finally LIVING!
Every emotion is felt to capacity, filling my whole physical being
and that girl who couldn’t get out of bed is no longer in sight.
I’ve left her in the dust with each hearty laugh, new connection, and new hobby.
But something goes wrong-
As I peak on this sparkly mountain of glory, I notice a pinprick of darkness.
It melts, pools, stains all the notes I’ve written to myself,
All the dates I’ve set up, the new friendships,
The shopping receipts.
The pinprick becomes a blob and bleeds across my vision
I close my eyes in fear.
It envelopes me. Cradles me.
I open my eyes.
In fetal position I slink into a corner of my closet
it’s safe here.
they can’t see me here.
they won’t hear me cry
who is they?
i crawl from the closet and peek out a window
whose cars are those?
that’s it.
i need protection.
that will fix the pinprick.
i lay them out methodically
i will have one if i need it no matter where i am in here.
the closet is deemed safe, then i curl back up and cry a deep cry that hurts my whole spirit.
a cry that snaps me out of the dark and i am no longer watching myself but i see myself.
surrounded by razor blades, crying in a dark closet.
i am flooded with embarrassment and shame for the things i’ve done;
a montage of my recent adventures flying past my mental projector screen.
the razor blades are so shiny, even in the darkness
i cover my face with shaking palms
who will find me first if i end this right now
will my kids be okay-
i gain awareness again.
i need to get help.
i thought i was better.
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