GRIEF Poem: It’s been a year since your death, by El Duffield

you smoke in my dreams
leaned up against the wall
long legs sprawled across the bed
your smile curling
playfully around a cigarette

in that realm you are
a fly trapped in amber
a leaf under glass
in my dreams you
are just a man

not any of the things you swore to me
you weren’t, tears brimming in your eyes
if only I had known all the last times
I had with you were last times
if only I had guessed (Somehow, I had known)

I would have been kinder
I would have hugged you more
I would have held you
for longer
as long as I could

in my dreams you are just a man
and I am just myself, and we were
as we met
curious but lazy, sparks of light
curled into one another

you- incredibly warm and incredibly tall
an iron giant with magician’s hands
and I was a small and nervous thing
I leaned toward you as a plant to the sun

were we both plants leaning
towards the suns of one another?
both moths with wings painted
the color of flames?

In my dreams you are just a man
with oil and grease under his nails
and a strange and terrible glint in his eyes
in my dreams you are laughter
and fourth of July, you are homemade fireworks
and breakfast at 2 in the morning you are
grocery store roaming in the dead of night
you are petulant and stupid and grinning
always grinning, like a fool ( like a mad dog )

I drew pictures of you in my sketchbooks
at school, hidden away like shameful secrets
I was so embarrassed, back then
to be in love

in my dreams you are just a man
just a man that I happen to love
in my dreams you are not
the worst thing that
has ever happened to me
you are not a collection of scars
stamped over my heart, you are not
a hole in my brain
dark and black and bottomless, you are not
those things, you are just

who you wanted to be while you were alive
(what I hoped you wanted)
who I wanted you to be while you were alive
a hand
ever so gently petting my head
gazing at me with a softness (real or imagined?)
in those gaslit eyes

you are car rides and rain and
when I pass someone who smells
like marlboro reds or I see the back
of a tall man with short dark hair
when I hear someone laugh
suddenly and sharply (Like an Axe)
my knees buckle and
I almost collapse

three years ago I called you
at my grandparents house
while I sat outside listening
to cicadas and frogs
and your low voice in my ear
you were the only person who existed
in the world then
I don’t remember what you said
I just remember that when I came back

you were waiting for me, arms full
of stolen snacks you knew I liked
sitting cross legged on the floor,
warm
and warm, and warm, you were
the only person who mattered, then
you were of my blood and bone, the first
person that I chose ( but was it my choice? )

and I was
a kid
that didn’t know any better

In my dreams you are driving
with one hand resting on my thigh
and one forgotten cigarette perched on your ear

and you’re smiling at me,
that smile you had
just for me
the one that made
you glow ( or perhaps absorb light )

we are not heading towards any destination
and we have all the time in the world
my arm wraps around yours
and my head rests against your shoulder

and we are only
two people who love
one another

I wish we could have only been
two people who loved one another
for the short time that we had

I wish for a great many things
that I’ll never have

Only the face that looks back at me in the mirror
is a painted expression of agony
this, at the very least,
I know is real
and true

it’s been even longer now
in my nightmares your eyes are caverns
and you are still alive
on the run
on the hunt
on my scent
on my trail
with pockets full of poison
and a mind formed from nails

and I am half insane and huddling
in a corner
thinking, just my luck, just my luck