LGBTQ+ Poem: Queer Contemplating, by Rory Reinim

Part I
I had a dream last night,
In which I fell for a man,
His smooth hair, talk, touch.
Even in my hallucination though,
I knew it was wrong.

In the day,
Being a lesbian is so integral
To my identity.

And here I am again,
Sixteen,
Laying in my bed,
Questioning,
Texting my friends,
How do you know?
No friends this time

Diagnostic terms surface,
Compulsory heterosexuality,
Hypothetical Attraction,
Heteropessimism,
Our logical, scientific approach,
To questions relating to the soul.

My head spirals,
I reread the masterdoc,
I return to the quizzes,
I scroll though the Wikis
Every queer kid’s universal experience.
And again my gender comes into question.

Do I love him?
Do I want to be him?
Do I want to be at all?

I’m still not sure.

Will I ever be sure?
Or is this my existence forever,
A confused kid,
Going in circles,
Coming out again
And again
And again,
Until I die.

Part II
They/them
In which,
The masculine is not a man,
And the feminine is not a lady,
Rather.
Something in between,
Or outside completely.
Singular or plural,
Both can be true.

Lesbian
A non-man,
Who loves other non-men.
I am not a man,
And I do not love men.

Dreams are not reflective,
Of real life.
They can deceive, bewilder, upset.
I cannot let,
A false hallucination
Cause me anguish.

I am not confused.
I am not a man,
I am not a woman,
But something marvelous and in-between.