Your hand is on my shoulder, passing through my weathered bones
I am standing in a quiet apartment and for the first time in my life
I am alone
Save for your ghost
For the first time since my seventh birthday
There is no baby in my arms,
No child at my side
It’s a hollow, sinking feel
A dead weight in the pit of my stomach
In the silence, a thousand voices ask
If I’m making a terrible mistake
But for the first time in my life,
I am alone
It is just me and your ghost
Your beautiful ghost has guided me this far
If this is a mistake,
I made it with you
And you and I see everything through
I shake my head, laugh a little
Listen to it echo off the walls
I wasn’t five feet tall when I told you I would chase my dreams
I would chase them into the setting sun and out of this town
Now, you sit five feet in the earth
And I am still running, running, running
Organs failing,
Still running
You held a degree, you made it to the edge of this town
So here I am,
Taking your ghost beyond the welcome sign
People won’t call your actions brave until you’re dead
In the meantime,
They call you a fool
And a coward
And a villain
I do not claim to be a hero
My lover squeezed my hand in that foggy night
He pressed his lips to my forehead,
Told me that I’m strong
In the distance, the smoke of grandmother’s cigarettes filled the air
How those sickly fumes ease her nerves,
I will never understand
But I have some grotesque vices myself
A tendency to inch away from mealtimes
Finding solace behind closed doors
A runner through and through
So who am I to judge?
My lover is content in this space
Do you want a hero?
That man is braver than any soldier
He is standing tall in my cursed town
He breathes in its toxic fumes,
Embraces my broken body,
Kisses my venomous lips
How courageous must you be
To love something that the world views as
A near corpse?
Leaving does not equate to bravery
It does not make you a hero to flee from the scene
But, maybe
Those babies that I bottle fed can understand my actions
Maybe they can see the dust rolling from beneath my tires
And understand that I am running to build a home for them
They will never know the way I ripped out my hair,
Terrified that by leaving
I had ensured that they would turn out just like me?
I never wanted to leave them in that house of screaming matches and
Tears
Yet, here I stand
Like a damned coward proclaiming to be a comic book hero
All because
I do not regret leaving
Put me back in this position
Run the timeline once more
I will pack up my bags again and again
Spit blood on the gravel and glare as the tears spill down my face
Just because this was my choice,
I am still allowed to grieve
I am still allowed to mourn
And leaving may not make me brave
But it doesn’t make me weak
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