Grieving what could’ve been you
You could’ve been a good father
You could’ve been my superhero
You could’ve been the one i went to for advice on anything
You could’ve been there for me for my first heartbreak
You could’ve been there when i was in the mental hospital for two weeks
You could’ve been at my graduation
You could’ve seen me get my first house with friends and congratulate me
You could’ve believed in me when i told you i wanted to be a poet and singer
You could’ve looked beyond my identity and treated me like your child
You could’ve cared about what i had to say
You could’ve held me when i was going through the worst times of my life
You could’ve been there when mom started using drugs
You could’ve been there when i got my braces at the dentist
You could’ve been there when i got my first job
You could’ve been there for me when i came out as transgender
You could’ve been so much
But you weren’t
Instead you were the one who caused my abandonment and trust issues
Instead you were the one who always let me down
Instead you were the one who only ever thought about himself
Instead you were the one who broke me down and didn’t pick me back up
Instead you belittled me and my beliefs
Instead you gaslit me and made me seem like i was the problem in your life
Instead you chose drugs and the path that i would never choose
Instead you became a stranger
Instead you decided to play the victim whenever anyone called you out on your bullshit
Instead you said i would always only ever be your daughter and never your son
Instead you let me down time and time again and made me feel guilty for things that weren’t
ever my fault
I was the one who had to pick up the broken pieces
I was the one who had to always validate myself even when i was just fucking twelve
I was the one who held me at my worst
I was the one who kept pushing myself and telling myself it was going to be okay
I was the one who kept showing up for my little brother when nobody else did
I was the one who fed myself half the time while you were off with mom getting high
I was the one who tried to keep my cool when the world became dark and cruel
I was the one who didn’t leave me
All of this, and yet i still love you
All of this, and yet i still care about you
You could’ve been so many things, but you chose to be someone i never want to be
I have to let you go, if i don’t then i will never be who i want to
So i think this time really is the end, and i wish i could say i’m sorry but the only thing i’m sorry
about is what could’ve been
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