GRIEF Poem: The Day You Shouldn’t Have Been Born, by Breanna Vega

My heart fell out of my chest and into the void
As you fell out of my womb and into the toilet.
A feeling I’m afraid I will never forget
Every time I sit down.

How can blood be so painful yet so comforting?
Because it reminds me of you.
And when it’s gone, it feels like you will be too.
And I will be empty again.

Would it be disrespectful to women who birthed live babies
If I said I still feel like a mother?
Honestly, I don’t give a damn how they feel.
I don’t give a damn about anything that doesn’t propel me closer to you.
Thank you for showing me that their opinions don’t matter.

You were so innocent and pure, you knew nothing of the evils of man.
You never felt a broken heart, a moment of dissatisfaction.
You felt nothing but love and nourishment from my body.
So I know that you somehow understand
That I had to break myself into a million pieces so that you would never have to suffer.
So that you would never know what it’s like
To have two parents that just weren’t ready.

Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pieces of pottery,
Fusing them back together with gold dusted glue.
Showcasing the cracks instead of hiding them with translucent paste.
When a bowl breaks, does it know it will never be the same again?
Does it question its purpose
Now that it’s in pieces on the floor?
Does it know that its keeper still sees its worth and beauty?
“Please, don’t discard me!” It cries.
“I can still be of use in this world.”

Rio, my gold-dusted glue.
Lover, the hands that put me back together.
How can I ever thank you enough?
You knew I would break,
But I was none the wiser.

I want to live in this pain,
So I’ll never forget her.
I want to bleed forever,
So I’ll always remember.
Afraid of nothing except moving on,
Still I grit my teeth and push through.

I feel your wisdom all around me.
I feel you holding us in your hands,
Connecting us, bonding us.
The gold-dusted glue mending parts of us back together
That we didn’t even know could break.