COMEDY Poem: Welcome to Delta, by Frederick Livingston

To be read while listening to Delta’s hold music

Welcome to Delta. Your call is important to us…
well kinda.
Honestly, this could take a while.
You see, all of our agents are currently unavailable
because today is the annual picnic
at our Malaysian call center.
They are just putting the finishing touches on their model sailboats
for the big race this afternoon.

Welcome to Delta.
Did you know you can go book yourself?
Just go to Delta.com and select the option to go book yourself
and you can get off this phone an on with your life.

Welcome to Delta.
To reach a customer service agent
simply draw a triangle of crushed brimstone
stand inside it and spill the blood of 3 virgin pigeons
a gateway will open beneath you
and an agent will be with you shortly.

Welcome to Delta.
We are currently unable to receive your call
because our Malaysian call center just received information
of a shipment of illegal orangutans
being smuggled offshore.
Our agents are currently cutting escape holes
in the shipping container with blowtorches
and will be with you as soon as the mission is accomplished.

Welcome to Delta.
Have you heard of Delta’s new Delta Green® Climate Smart travel initiative?
Simply cancel your flight to offset its carbon emissions
and Delta will send you a VR headset
pre-loaded with the experience you were going to have.
Why fly all the way to Nebraska for your family reunion
just to hear your uncle get drunk and start saying homophobic shit
when you can live the experience from the comfort of your own home?
Flying to Costa Rica for your honeymoon
only to catch COVID on the flight and get stuck in a hotel airport for 2 weeks?
Delta can help you save the hassle…
and the planet.

Welcome to Delta.
Did you know you can also book yourself in our app?
Go to http://www.delta.com/bookmeintheapp
to find out what customer satisfaction
means to Delta.

Welcome to Delta
All of our agents are currently unavailable right now
because after their brush with adventure on the high seas
they realized how lucrative orangutan smuggling can be
and have decided not to return to our call center.
We believe they have commandeered the smuggling vessel
and are somewhere heading north in the South China Sea.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of our agents
please call us immediately at
1-800-GO-BOOK-YOURSELF