DEATH Poem: Self Blame, by Paige Hiebert

I don’t know why I can’t move on
Some say it’s emotional attachment, that it’s all your fault
Others say it’s because I know I did something wrong
I want to hear your theory, but I’m scared you’ll take it as a form of assault

I don’t want to hurt you, I’ve done everything to make it right
Things were peaceful, I fixed it, then ruined it in an hour
You were quiet, you stepped back, you said you wouldn’t
But I’m not gonna make you stay, I don’t have that kind of power

You got me attached after we called it quits
I would say it’s because we were perfect together, but that would be a lie
We fought constantly and in person you acted like you didn’t know me
I felt so insecure, and that feeling took over my mind

I couldn’t breath, I felt bound to you
Is this what a relationship is supposed to feel like?
Crying every night, trying to convince you to stay alive
The searing pain made me want to die

I put myself through torture, but at least I was helping you
I stopped eating, I relapsed, and my friends got scared
They told me I needed to leave, and I reluctantly listened
The bad feeling stayed, but I didn’t know why I cared

I thought I was just insecure, that it’ll go away
Until I found out about the other girl, and everything made sense
I confronted you and you admitted it, I forgot how to function
That day, my world fell apart and I haven’t been the same since

I have the nerve to blame it on myself, after everything you did
But the self blame eats at me, as I was the one who begged you to stay
You told me you didn’t want me anymore, that she was so much better
And so I spent the next few weeks observing you, letting myself decay

I needed to move on, needed to let you go
I let myself fall backwards and prayed the world would catch me
I saved myself, I got myself out
I came back to reality, though it felt like I couldn’t see

As I watched how you treated her, I went into shock
The way you talk is so toxic and she puts up with your worst
I tried to warn her, tried to get her to leave
But in the end, I put up with it first