GRIEF Poem: The Ugly Shoulder Bag, by Patricia Deal

If I knew anything about my mother she didn’t buy the shoulder bag the year it came out.
Found it on a clearance rack somewhere:
Orange, brown, cream and fuschia floral quilted diamond pattern
on a cotton blend “Carnaby”
-part of the 2009 collection
Taking in a breath, I unzipped the shoulder bag.

Silver change purse:
4 quarters
14 dimes
3 nickels
4 pennies
1 haphazardly folded dollar bill tucked inside

Cell phone

Crumpled and faded receipts:
Wegmans $3.17
TJ Maxx $42.38

Tic Tacs:
When she was my age her bag would have had a pack
of Merit Ultra Lights and a lighter alongside Tic Tacs
-It took a heart attack for her to quit

Tide Stick

Lipstick: definitely not my shade

Reading glasses

Rosary:
Thought it was jewelry as I reached beneath the wallet
She’d given up going in the ’80’s
-Seems she got tired of wearing sunglasses at mass

Key ring:
Holding the keys in my hand to feel cool metal slide between my fingers
and the weight of it all, grateful she’d been the one 30 years earlier who’d reached the
keys before me. 15 since she shared what scared her the most in all those years with dad
-Said It was the look on my face as I screamed: drive over him

Camel colored, leather tri-fold wallet.
Opening her wallet felt like reading her journal, like a box loaded with bricks made of
secrets too heavy to lift.

Medicare card
Library card?
I loved reading books to my boys when they were young
read to them into high school
would read to them still, if they’d let me
I don’t recall my mother going to the library
-I do recall her mentioning she didn’t enjoy reading to us

Citi Mastercard
USAA member card
dad was in the Army for 2 years- says he got out because mom
didn’t want him in Viet Nam
drove down to Asheville, taught from the mountain until the morning
they didn’t expect him to live to see the next.

Going through his desk:
found his father’s honorable discharge papers but never
found dad’s
found fifty years of Father’s Day cards.
found a bill from Dr. Berkey stuck between letters from mom

13 years of counseling:
Individual
Couples
Group
It hadn’t saved their marriage but did save their friendship
-Figured if mom could forgive him so could I

Macy’s
Nordstrom
Guest ID: The Villages
-My uncle’s had Alzheimer’s for years

Appointment card from Dr. Gardner’s office.
She’d driven; an uneventful ride to Springfield, on the way home, she’d run
through stop signs, a traffic light. With a chuckle, I reminded her to stop at those
big red signs
-she just laughed.
On the back was the name and number of a neurologist
She’d seen a neurologist two years earlier who’d given her a clean bill of brain
health
-she couldn’t recall the name

Shane: a single picture of her youngest grandchild.

Love you, Mom. Can’t wait to see you in July. Save this one for me.
-Finn

A note worn thin wrapped round a gift card to Coastal Flats
I don’t know how many times we’d eaten there gatherings
from 2 to 20 depending on who was around
-She always ordered the Filet Tips.

In the clear plastic sleeve:
Driver’s license:
dark, wavy, short hair,
ivory skin with barely a line on her face
hazel eyes,
McDermott nose
-I don’t know where mine came from
Organ Donor

I cupped the license in both hands, held it a few breaths before pulling out my wallet and placing my mothers license behind my own
-Where I go, she goes