BODY IMAGE Poem: Toyed, by Talia Benson

He toyed with my mind
Stretched it, shook it, cracked it wide
He called me fat, ugly, hairy
When I first heard him, I cried
Then it faded

When staff wouldn’t care, I pretended not to
But when I got home, when I showered
When I had to shave the face I hate
The water washed the tears, but not the pain
When the razor met my face, it all rushed back to me

It felt like it was the first hurt in my life
I thought about when another toyed with my heart
We would hide rings at the pool, exchange glance
Our soles met below common-area tables
I’d lay awake imagining his scent
But he didn’t imagine mine

I gave him a way to reach me, and he smiled
But as I left, I saw him show the others
His words evaded me, but I already knew them
The same staff who left me to cry threatened my pencil
They said it’d be gone if it happened again
But why would it?

That night my journal read “I am rotten meat”
I’m not sure if it holds true
But when I was held there, I felt it was
They toyed with my whole being

That place left me feeling defective; broken from birth
I still feel scrambled; like I have loose parts
I want to be loved, not just played with
I want to go far, but I need to be wound up again