COMEDY Poem: It’s Twins!, by Alexander Carver

Last night, I had a dream,
That I had two penises.
Well, I guess you’d call it
A nightmare—
Which I’m pretty sure
Was in technicolor,
Like the Wizard of Oz.

You’re probably wondering
About all the details,
So, here are the ones I recall…
The two penises appeared
To be identical,
And sat one on top of the other,
Not side by side.

In the nightmare I failed
To determine if I had
An extra pair of testicles—
Likely because I was
So consumed with
The two stars
Of the show,
And time,
Like in most dreams,
Was at a premium.

As you can imagine,
I was trying to find
A secluded place where
I could enjoy
Both penises at once.
Simple things
Like locating privacy
Are always
Far more complicated
In dreams and nightmares.

I ended up in the bathtub
Of a smoke-filled room
At the Days Inn
In Clearwater, Florida

That I was sharing
With a few close friends
I didn’t recognize.

So, as excited as I was
To see if I could achieve
Two orgasms at once
And discover what
That might feel like,
I was equally worried
About being caught
In the attempt.

It seemed like the
Sort of spectacle
It would be hard
To live down,
And that it might
Open the door
To government intervention.
So, I stopped trying
Before I could
Make history.

What was the nightmare
Trying to tell me
About myself?
Probably that it’s been
Awhile since I’ve had sex.
So long that
I’m greedily dreaming
About having not one
But two orgasms
Simultaneously.
We don’t need Dr. Freud
To figure that out.

Would I want to have a second
Penis if granted one
By the powers that be
Whoever they be?
I would like to think not.
I would like to think
I wouldn’t want the hassle,
Or twice the sexual tension.

Although, it might be nice
To have a second penis
Just in case
The first one
Breaks down.
In all the years
I’ve had a single penis,
It’s only faltered once…
Freshman year in college,
When I was new to
Unparented freedom
And running all over campus
Like the neighborhood dog.

My conclusion?
I’m content
With my fully operational
One and only penis,
But I wouldn’t
Mind having that dream again,
So, I can finish what I started.
With a baby around
It’s difficult to
Find the time and energy
To seduce the baby’s mother.