COMEDY Poem: Trigger Finger, by R. White

To Whom it May Concern,

Thank you for submitting your work. We regret to inform you that your poem, entitled XXXXXXX has not been chosen for our upcoming anthology.

While most rejections come stock-written, we wish to elaborate upon our decision and extend our most sincere apologies; while the tone of your work doesn’t quite fit with our production, it was unbelievably moving! We received several 2-weeks notices from employees as well as a record number of time off requests. The secretary who delivered your work from the printer has blinded herself with a letter opener.

Though I’m sure you’re well aware, your work is very potent! Be careful where you point it next time.

Though it is general practice to encourage further submissions we most humbly ask you to cease all communications with our publication office. Our editor-in-chief blew his brains out in the back and left no note; our interns cited your final line:

“So now what,” in their collective resignation. They have decided to change fields.

As for me, your dutiful correspondent, you will find the attached email, phone, and fax numbers all defunct upon receiving this message. Please refrain from contacting the office as you will see on the local news this evening that we have burned the place to the ground.

We are all shocked and elated that you are still alive “and kicking,” as they say! However, our PR department has chosen to rescind all of your work from the public domain in hopes of restoring the mental health of our team and patrons.

Farewell, poet. Please forget to write.

Sincerely Yours,

[REDACTED]

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