RELIGION Poem: The Faith of My Father, by Cassandra Brandt

My first memories are of terror, fight or flight
No escape from the pictures in my mind
You burned those flames into that brain
Told me such was my eternal fate
If I was a naughty girl or I didn’t believe
Daddy I was scared to fall asleep

Jesus, he looked just like you
Brown beard, eyes so blue
Loved me so much he died you said
But the face of God was always dark instead
The book you pressed in my little hands
Was full of the evil of Jesus’ dad

In my dreams I drowned in the flood pounding on the ark
My Daddy sold me for an ox and cart
Then there was the time he handed me over to be raped
Put my brother on the altar and burned me at the stake

Because my God was a character of old
A product of a place where daughters were sold
My Jesus was one of the trending saviors
These figures flawed and typical I’d discover later
But as a child the fear of God was real
Love for him an emotion I fought to feel

I didn’t want to worship that monster Mama
But I tried to love him so hard because you said I just gotta
Said someday I would understand his tough love
Said dynamics are different after the sacrifice of his son
But Mama I hold a grudge

What kind of a god treats his children so badly
You’d never hurt me like that right Daddy?
But they saw sin in my soul somehow

Raised the rod of correction to drive it out
Handed me the Hell handed to them
Handed me the hammer that drove the nails in
And then I committed my gravest sin

I’m not sorry I couldn’t keep the faith of my father
But Daddy I’m no prodigal daughter
I wish I could tell you I ain’t ever coming back
The doctrine you drilled in was so far from fact
The lies of that religion caused me great pain
It made a mess of a malleable little brain

Mama I know it was all in the good faith
You carried unquestionably to your grave
I know I said I’d see you up there but I lied
I don’t want to skip down streets of gold at your side
Mama I watched you suffer all your life
An insult to be granted mercy in the afterlife
You deserve better than gold for your grace
And I know you’re there if there’s really a good place

I imagine you there, in autumn leaves and thin air
Watching me, loving me, no longer scared
Of the god you wanted us to love so much
Oh Mama how silly that was

I guess we do the best with what we know
And Daddy I just want to learn and grow
I wish I could tell you there’s peace outside of faith
And it’s not anger that pushed God from my plate
Though I’ll always harbor a certain hate
For that fictional character that once sealed my fate

I know you wish I could sit beside you at church
You just don’t understand why I’m so hurt
You’ve internalized that guilt and shame
Don’t get why I’m not OK with doing the same

But Daddy I didn’t crucify Christ
Or belong to some ancient Israelite tribe
You might believe in the grafted to the vine thing
But really you’re the son of Vikings
Your wish for me is faith father
I lie lightly like a dutiful daughter