DRUGS Poem: The Downers, by Alikai Espinoza

In the car, the family is talking about war, or something serious
I don’t know, I’m two Xanny bars in
slump in the car seat, head against the window
staring out at everything and yet nothing

I’m sorry, or am I
A paradox
It’s comfortable here, safe, and warm
There are no demons here, I have to run from
between the state of being high and begin everything they once hoped I would be
Is the thought that I can always soften the expectations they have that the drug is never too far, this feeling is never far away,

Can it ever be possible that I can ever escape the softness that blurs my reality or will i find a way to gather what is left of my pride and pretend that I will no longer need the drug that can soften everything inside and out and yet I know that I will always need it to keep the demons at bay?

But at the moment, all that is left is the car vibration and the warmth that has spread across me, the safe murmurs of family as the streetlight casts a shadow across my face, the light drifting across my tired eyes, and bags from restless sleep. Beautifully exhausted from being alive and being lost to the world tonight

Are the downers the only way to give my soul the peace it needs and craves?