POLITICAL Poem: Pete Hegseth Renames The Pentagon, by Joe Tye

U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth
poured another drink from his half-empty bottle,
turned his attention back from placement of his next tattoo
to his notes for the forthcoming Congressional hearing, and read aloud…

“To a man our brave and lethal American fighting men…
(No ma’am we did not ask the fighting ladies for their opinions)…
have insisted that we boost their morale by restoring base names
in remembrance of the Confederate generals who killed so many of their
Brothers in Blue during the historic Civil War.”

In his mind’s eye Secretary Hegseth envisioned his Congressional enemies
dumbstruck by the lethal eloquence of his argument, then continued…
“What other son of the American colonies has ever led a suicide charge
As glorious as that of General George Pickett on the last day of Gettysburg?
Gettysburg. Wow! Pickett sure does deserve to have his lethal name on a fort.”

Secretary Hegseth made a mental note that his next tattoo should be of
General Pickett sword in hand leading the charge up Cemetery Ridge.
Then he went back to his notes…

“And who knew better how to keep our black brothers and sisters in line
than slaveholders like Robert E. Lee and Braxton Bragg and Nathan Bedford Forrest?
We must free our lethal military from DEI nonsense and restore these lethal leader’s names.”
In his mind’s eye Secretary Hegseth visualized the amazement on the faces of
Congressional representatives who had clearly never thought of things this way.

Secretary Hegseth took another sip and looked over his roster of other
great military commanders who had played such a memorable role in
shaping the lethality of today’s lethal killing machine and who also deserved to have
their lethal names emblazoned on an American military facility.

At the top of Secretary Hegseth’s list was Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto,
without whom Americans would not celebrate Pearl Harbor Day every December 7.
To make sure that we never forgot that Day of Infamy, Secretary Hegseth determined to
rename Naval Station Pearl Harbor to Port Yamamoto.

Knowing that the greatness of a commander is determined by the greatness of his enemies
and that without Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, General George Patton would be a footnote of history,
Secretary Hegseth determined to rename Fort Irwin (whoever that was) in California’s Mojave Desert
to Fort Desert Fox, a sexier name for his lethal desert commandos.

To help us remember the Italian campaign of World War II Secretary Hegseth determined to
rename the Armed Forces Recruiting Station in Times Square, almost next door to Little Italy, to
Fort Kesselring, the German Field Marshal who did so much to get Italy out of the war
By killing so many Italians.

In appreciation of the fact that some of his Commander-in-Chief’s most staunch supporters
hailed from the Lone Star State of Texas, Secretary Hegseth had also decided to rename
The Alamo to Fort Antonio López de Santa Anna, the Mexican general without whom
“The Alamo” would be just another decrepit old mission building forgotten by time.

But why stop with just military bases?
Secretary Hegseth smiled at the brilliance of this lethal new insight.
Didn’t we also need to be reminded of the people who toughened us up from the inside?
He poured another drink as his warrior mind raced across the battlefield of possibilities.

In Birmingham Alabama he would rename Martin Luther King Jr. Drive to
Bull Conner Freeway in remembrance of the lawman who had a thing or two
to teach the wimpish liberal lunatic law enforcers of Blue American cities
about how to handle a mob with fire hoses and attack dogs.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth polished off his bottle and drifted off to sleep
into his recurring dream of the Big Beautiful Parade that would celebrate renaming of
The Pentagon to Fort Pete Hegseth in honor of his loyal service to
Commander-in-Chief-for-Life Corporal Bonespur.