When I first saw you
it was instant connection.
We hadn’t yet met
but our eyes sought each other
and that’s how it began.
So we played flirting games with our eyes,
and in that way we did meet
through the little moments of time
when no words were needed.
We saw the things in each other
that others failed to notice;
little minute gestures
small but meaningful looks
pain and stories untold.
And at some point, people started to notice
and the invisible string between us
became tangible.
And with those realizations
came pressure and influence;
expectations placed on us without consent.
Our relationship shifted as if with the tide.
It ebbed and flowed;
our connection swelling and then shrinking.
sometimes it was as smooth
and lovely as sea glass
and came in waves, soft and peaceful
as caresses across my skin.
But there were times it became choppy
due to my fear and uncertainty
and my broken pieces inside.
Because the storm within me had begun.
And with it, brought a frenzy of confusion.
Waves of varying height and force
from all directions,
pulling me every which way.
And then I knew
that not just your eyes were on me;
there was another, eyeing me from a close distance.
This shadow, my trauma,
in the form of the eye of a storm.
Something I didn’t yet know
had such supreme affects on me.
But it was there,
watching and waiting to take me
to drag me in, straight into a whirlpool.
And yet still I knew
my feelings for you were pure and true
but deeper parts of my mind and vessel
were being overtaken by the storm.
So I pushed you away.
in some way thinking I was saving both of us.
Because I was a sinking ship
and would soon be towed under,
dragged into the darkest waters.
And I was scared.
Not by the depth of the water
but rather the depths of your soul.
For I saw this softness in you;
your kind heart,
your deep feelings,
your thoughts and actions full of compassion.
And your eyes,
your eyes that I knew would soon see me.
Not the shell shown to the world,
but the vast emptiness inside.
You would soon notice
what everyone else had missed.
You would ask questions
I wouldn’t have answers for
until over a decade later.
And so I let the storm take shape,
fully at its mercy; a bystander.
For I knew I was too hardened and damaged
to receive your softness.
It scared me; I was filled to the brim with fear.
More frightened of you than the storm within.
For I was not yet near understanding
or accepting what had been done to me.
And I was even further from healing myself
and being capable of returning softness.
Instead, I unleashed that storm within
and at the same time,
I bottled up everything else
and buried it deep, deep down inside of me.
And I continued on,
my outer facade in place.
A shell to protect and hide
what was truly inside.
And then I chose.
Not the opposite of softness,
but something else.
Something less capable of seeing
the lines and scars within me.
I found someone who picked up this shell
and believed my self-placed mirage
of beauty and normalcy.
I found someone
who wouldn’t dig too deep
to see the truth of my authentic self.
See, they took up spaced I needed filled.
At that time I needed someone less soft.
Someone louder and bigger
to be the focus
to distract and detract from me.
In a way that would protect me
from being discovered.
So I could continue to deny
and reduce myself down.
To hide real and sad and hurt parts of me
under my shell.
And I stayed down there, alone.
Way down deep in cold silt.
There I was, drowning,
burrowed in the sand.
And somehow,
slowly, oh so slowly,
I began digging myself out.
Without even realizing,
I peeked out from that lonely and artificial
safe space of my own making.
The shell cracked and started falling away.
To finally reveal my core;
a unique little Pearl.
Strong and shiny and made of every color.
A Pearl that is now ready
to see and be seen.
The Pearl was always hiding
forced to be small and concealed.
But with the passing of the storm,
once it stewed and brewed, and cooled.
After it ran its course,
and a sense of peaceful calm remained,
the Pearl was revealed.
And she is ready to be discovered,
so she begins looking for a soft dwelling.
And the Pearl knows.
That you’re not that safe resting place.
For that ship has sailed off
into an idyllic sunset you created.
But the Pearl is fully formed
and knows its value now.
She’s ready now, open to receive.
So she’ll patiently wait to be found
by a new One with that same softness;
the One with love and kindness
and eyes that see.
Because now the little Pearl can also answer
that kindness and compassion
with tenderness
and her own eyes that see.
She knows.
That One will find her.
And hold her close.
And will gently lay her
on a plush cushion
Made of soft velvet.
One meant just for her.
POETRY FESTIVAL. Submit to site for FREE. Submit for actor performance. Submit poem to be made into film. 