Category: Uncategorized

December 2013 to January 2014: under a painted title (DOOR OF SHAME), you Sharpie’d a grade on my bedroom door, rating every game I played. Little did you know, those permanent letters not only superseded basketball and felt like a reflection of your love, but marked me, despite your several layers of paint and apologies

Well…
I shouldn’t space my lines
so you’re
small mind
can read such
big
words
– of
damage(s) you’ve
caused
and how
much
It
hurt.
How about now?
A door to a room
where i rest a head
in hopes of feeling
safe
from people like you
Does this ring a bell?
The clock strikes twelve
hitting once for each
grade you gave
marks teachers wouldn’t dare
but from you(?), lashes handed
politely
funny how soft blows
from known hands
cut worse
than unknown
wounds
from piercing
shots
Do you remember now?
paint bleeding on a door
eyes drawn to stenciled hate
your word bombs
didn’t suffice
but sufficient was
your:
black paint
on a white
Entrance
DOOR OF SHAME
in finest scrawl
//
this
night,
you
dug
a
grave //
hard
to
breathe //
i
haven’t
left
that
(bed)
room
since
you
buried
(my
worth
&
i)
alive.
irony is
you meant no harm
straightening me out
in ways you knew
i know now
you played the hand
you were dealt
, just sometimes wish
you shuffled
the deck,
maybe a little luck
would’ve done
us some good.
… I love you too, Dad.

P.S. Remember how D+ was the highest grade you gave your only son?

I.
the days of mourning for my
father are fast approaching. i’ve felt
it ever since my grandpa passed:
a sink, in the room you fear most,
clogged with spiky beard hair followed
by the punch of rotten eggs and bleach

II.
bile–it’s black, pouring out my
mouth through the lungs. like
everything else, I get this patrilineal urge.
the only cure: saffron and olive oil

III.
love is twitching legs tickling
the back of your throat. legacy is
useless after you outlive the earth
and sky. birthright, chased
with thunderbolts. will you ever again feel
safe outside your father’s stomach?

IV.
how to live up to your name?
deaf man’s villa, the
slow rotting, the soft exile, do you
feel the build up of black paint on your palms?

V.
who, to castrate, dangled by a rope from a tree
betwn the earth, see, and ski? but me?
have u only one blessing, father?

My Deity, the Maker of my life,
The Almighty Mastermind,
I slaughtered you without a knife.
It was a sin, but not a crime.

Our souls were intertwined,
I was You and You were I.
What a shame you had to die,
My Goddess Divine.

A mummy,
A mother,
A mum.
Sometimes I wish I could call you none
A part of your life
The whole of mine
The things I’d do for u to be kind.
I envy the others
Who don’t hate their mothers
One kiss on the forehead
Is all I’ve ever craved
Not a fist to my face,
Or a slap on my back,
I hope one day my skull will crack.
You gave me my life,
Please take it away.
U call me ungrateful
Causing me pain.
Can I sacrifice my soul
For a night in the grave.
I promise I’ll try my best to make it a permanent stay.
A coffin can adopt me
It can hold me close
Something you never did
Do you like me better as a ghost?
I don’t ruin your day
Or get in your way
And even as a ghost I still won’t make you pay.
We get along better
Now that I’m in heaven.
Not a day goes by that we both start dreading.
I’m glad we won’t meet again.
I’m not sure where you’re heading
But I don’t think you’ll ever be let into heaven.
No longer a mummy,
A mother or mum.
The daughter you had is now long gone
Your sentence is over
You served your time
Who knew having a daughter was such a bad crime.
– O.R.W

An untamed mischief,
Grown by the night.
A little wolf pup
Exposed in the light.

Two seditious eyes,
Wistful, yet ruthless.
Might seem invincible,
But it’s truthless.

Loving him is tough,
Leaving him, as well
One foot in heaven,
Another in hell.

His long suppressed wrath,
Caused him to drown.
But, he’s grieved, and
Abandoned deep down.

“Let’s blow this place.” Ox* said
We’d been drinking in Mike’s Pool Hall for two hours
Time to move on
We walked down Broadway to the Embarcadero
passing piers whose warehouse doors were open
longshoremen were driving forklifts,
stacking cargo
As we continued I could hear a jazz band
We were at Pier 23**, a waterfront dive
Longshoremen were drinking and laughing
Couples were sitting at tables
All faced the band
A large black man was playing the cornet
There was a clarinet player, a trombone player, a banjo player
a drummer, and a sexy redhead on the upright piano
They played:
Burgundy Street Blues
Pallet on the Floor
Didn’t he ramble
Saint James Imfirmary,…
Jazz, cigarette smoke, and booze down the hatch
The crowd thinned, the band dispersed
Ox and I remained
Ox walked up to Frank
“Erich I want you to meet Frank.
He played with Django Reinhardt at the Hot Club
and the Club Zelli, and…
“That’s okay,” Frank said
Until they stood next to each other I did not realize Frank’s size
Ox was six feet three, but Frank was a good four inches taller
And he looked just as strong as Ox who was a lumberjack
Frank extended his hand
It was about twice the size as mine.
He had a surprisingly gentle handshake
“Your band has the sweetest sound,” I said
“Comes with the years,” Frank said laughing
“Let’s go Ox said finally
We walked down the Embarcadero
toward the trawler Ox lived in
across from the Third Street Bridge
I kept thinking: Frank played with Django Reinhardt
at the Jazz Hot Club
I had met and heard history
Suddenly a battered car pulled up
“Where are you two going?” Frank asked
“The Third Street Bridge,” Ox replied
“Get in.”
Could this be true?
We climbed in the car,
riding in silence until the Third Street Bridge
After we got out we reached in our pockets
and brought out what little money we had
“We want to pay you for the gas.”
“Forget it,” Frank said, “Pass it on”
And drove off
We had heard one of the greats
Frank had played with the best
in the heyday of the Paris Jazz scene
Frank meant more than to give somebody a ride
We’ll pass on your spirit Frank.
We’ll do our best*

In the gentle hush of yuletide’s embrace,
Crown on her head, adorned with grace.
No need for jewels to convey her worth,
For a mother’s love transcends this lifeless earth.

There’s a silent strength in her eyes, a soothing balm,
Her touch, a shelter from the rolling sea and a raging storm.
Earthing and dancing, a child singing lullaby as her mother’s praise,
For her thoughts and essence shines through endless days.

In her arms, a sanctuary of sunbeam and care,
A handmade house of love, steadfast and rare.
Spiritual or diabolical, no need to describe her heart,
For it beats in creative rhythm of imagination, a timeless art.

She weaves a tapestry of selfless devotion,
Nurturing dreams with unwavering emotion.
No need for mirror to capture her might,
For her love’s radiance is a guiding light.

Her choices of words, a melody of comfort and cheer,
Wiping away every trace of turning blue or fear.
No need for sounds to utter her name,
For her presence alone ignites a flame.

With every breath, she imparts life’s lessons,
A merlion, a mentor, in all her expressions.
No need for inspection to define her role,
For she’s the embodiment of a priceless soul.

So, let us honor her death in word and in deed,
With gratitude and love spreading across the universe, as we succeed.
No need for colors to paint her picture,
For a mother’s love needs no script to be richer

Mom, I miss you…

Grief is completely and utterly consuming. Spoken from someone who has experienced grief for many reasons. One thing I will say-the loss of your mother just hits different. Like an uppercut straight to the soul, you lose half of yourself. Time-is what they say helps heal pain. There is no amount of time that can help this pain pass. I need you now more than ever, my mother. You are the reason I am who I am today. The strength that flowed through you so effortlessly-I did not give credit when credit was do. Mountains of courage taken for weakness, mother I am sorry. A simple phone call so I can say all these words to you-nothing I want more. There is nowhere unless you are here, and here is where I must live without you forever more. I feel your love through my daughter, your granddaughter. It’s something spiritual, cosmic even. Oh, my beautiful mother how I miss you.

Hey ma, can I get a hug?

I find myself dreaming of you-wanting, longing for a hug. Something I did not do enough of. If I had one more day with you, I would make it so special. It would be a day of complete love-from a daughter to her mother. You loved music, loved singing, loved dancing-the most beautiful you were when you would lose yourself in emotive movements. Why did it take me so long to see where I got my artistic side? I don’t know why I stood blind to all of you that is me. Painted pain on a canvas that is mine-it will be the most beautiful because it is a representation of the love a mother has for her daughter, and the unexplainable love that I have for you, my sweet mother. Pennies and stones-I feel you flowing through me every day-I guess you are giving me that hug after all.

Mother…

A sunflower in a bed a roses-you stood out like the light of million stars. You had your unconventional ways of handling situations, but you always got things done. Whether I agreed with your methods or not-we would just agree to disagree. Proving to me time and time again that you knew what you were doing, with the best of intentions. I need you to hear me-I’m putting my guard down. I won’t argue with you, I won’t challenge you-at 35 years old I finally let your love in, and it felt so good. I thought to myself “I could get used to this kind of love,” and then you left. I will keep that time frozen in the pocket of my heart and carry it with me forever and always. So that it may mend the fractured broken pieces I was left with. I am so grateful for those visiting hours-the time we were left with. I opened up to you without words. I’m glad you left knowing how much I loved you. Our last moment-you could only hear me. I held your hand and placed my forehead onto yours as I did when I was a child. With the playing song your husband, my father, would sing and dance with you-I told you it was ok to go home. I can’t wait to see you again, mother.

Her name is Elizabeth, and she was the best mother, grandmother, and daughter anyone could hope to have. I am immensely grateful for the mother I had and all the sacrifices she made for me and her family. I do not know the answers to the many questions that myself and others who have lost their mother have dwelling, but I do know the love of a mother is UNDYING.

~Absence of color
Smile lost
A pain ever so present-It consumes my soul
Forever and always, I will love you my beautiful mother
The hardest goodbye~

We live in the present universe now,
However, there are changes,
What does this new universe bring about to others?
In what part of the solar system does it exist?
These are questions to pose,
Are there any answers to them?
Our known universe keeps evolving,
This is just how it goes,
Are there other beings out there?
Do they live in a universe that is adjacent to ours?
Or is there just a new one on the horizon?
These are questions that are hard to answer,
The universe as we know it is, is what it is,
Keep an open mind about tomorrow,
Who knows what will happen?
For now, be good and be happy,
The future will continue in a good or bad way,
We as people will continue to live on planet Earth,
Take care and may a better tomorrow happen,
Seize each moment with open arms,
For now, and always, carpe diem.