Category: Uncategorized

i’ve sat, racked my head
figuring out what version of you
I made up, and what was real.
what was tangible, not fantasy.

was it the blood on my lips,
bruises spattered on the ground?
or the flowers that appeared in my room
neatly organised, each one with its own story?

I remember your laugh.
your crooked smile,
sometimes I swear I can
still smell the shampoo you used

I remember how safe you felt,
how scared you made me

I remember being compared to you
“you are just like him.”

even if I swore I never would be like you

“not until I kill myself too.”

your body dissolves
along with a little blue pill
under your tongue
tasting of chalk
and the patriarchal crown
melting away

minimal breast growth
an hourglass waist
long bouncy hair
veinless tops of hands
rounding of face
stretch marks all over your ass
and a now-demure demeanor

all speak against
the apple in your throat
perpetual hair on your lip
and broad shoulders
that can only be diminished
never erased.
these things that consume
what little femininity
you get to grasp for.

now consider:
how do you experience womanhood
when cissies1 see right through you?

what do you do when
puberty part two
strikes you
with hormonal rage?
each he- i mean- she
you feel your blood getting hotter.
shouldn’t it be obvious
what you’re going for?

it’s glaringly obvious
they see you as a boy
playing dress up.
so let them think that way
they don’t need to know who you are

the only one who decides your femininity
Is you.

1 a cisgender person, who has the privilege of not getting it.

Last night, it was the war of the gods.

God of Thunder, shook his lightning whip in the sky.
God of Wind, shouted his proud roar over the world.
God of Earth, with his earthquake, shook the geographical borders.
God of Water, with his waves, lifted the oceans to the sky.
God of Deception, made a barrage of lies appear on the scriptures of normal humanity.
And in this midst, the goddess of the United Nations was expressing her regret for watching the destructive war between powers.

The next morning, however, the war was over. The sun of peace shone through the dark clouds of war. The hands of the gods were washed clean of blood, their hearts free from hatred and the dust of envy, and their eyes were all closed in slumber after satisfying their anger.
Everything was left from fear and expectation, without an owner, and even the explosion of the hollow authority of the powers no longer intimidated anyone. But;

The front page of the newspapers reported about an ordeal that had been reduced to a tattered and worthless peace letter.

The God of Wind had taken the roofs of houses.
The God of Expectation had sowed barren seeds in hearts.
The God of anticipation had struck the field of breasts with a plague of drought, and the earth had suffered a drought of patience and tolerance.
The God of Hunger and Poverty had made truth, fairness, and honesty rare
No one expected to reap the harvest of emotions from the morass of hypocrisy.
The God of Envy had thrown the fruitful trees to the ground. He had spilled the blood of their fruits on soil, and had plunged the young seedlings into a literary sleep.
The lightning bolts of misfortune had destroyed the huts of peace at once, and the storm of controversy had crushed the happiness of the patient people, and he sent away the lanterns of desire, each one to an unknown destination.
Migrant boats were swallowed by the God of seas in mid-journey, and the suitcases of the emigration were left floating on the rivers, emptier than ever without an owner.

The Lord of Stubbornness had framed the message on the door of every house; “War, War Until Victory”, and in every alley, the Lord of adulthood, one by one, had destroyed the memories of the happy childhood days.
We saw that the passage of life had stopped the flow of human optimism. Monks in temples used to bathe newborn babies in the pool of regret like old adults, and the soldiers all kept one of their boots clean and hidden in the closet of their house, and every day the mothers would wipe the dried blood and painful scabs from the sides of their eyelashes.

When the mass graves of Trust had made mankind unnecessary burial ceremonies and coffins, and governments have polluted history with lies, the curse of the survivors of this calamity had been removed from the short-term memory of history, we have seen how the shout of revenge has shattered the sound wall of forgiveness.

Even though the councilors had lined up to remove the smell of gunpowder from unworn clothes and the place of the bullet among the still unread books, and all the war commanders had linked their fake authority with false sanctity, and Leaders were leaning on the throne like a sacred idol, waiting for the sacrifice of their devotees.

We have seen how the thirst for power added to the volume of insolence, and they drank the poisonous wine of slavery sip by sip on the humble throat of their followers, and the guides of the truth also showed us the lie in the profession of truth.
Earth left the moderation orbit, Mistrust, and loneliness brought collective sorrow to mankind, and yet, isolation also lost its own faith in the spirituality of solitude, and there is no safe shore left to dock the boat of dreams.

So this is how mankind realized for the thousandth time that in the war between the gods, the one who never takes a wound is indeed the power. This was a summary of the entire history of humanity.

Do you care if you never get to say goodbye?
Never get to tell me that you love me one last time?
Will it break your heart like it breaks mine?
I just wish I got the answers I deserve
And it’ll probably always hurt.
I’ll never stop questioning what I still don’t understand.
Like, how could you just walk away
And leave me without a dad?
You said it wasn’t my fault
But I’m the one that had to pay the price!
How do you still not see
that nothing that you did was right?
How can you sleep at night?
It was never fair to me.
You made me believe that you never cared for me.
Growing up was harder living the way I had to live.
But you don’t even know the half of it.
You should’ve cared!
I was your kid!
I spent my entire life wondering
What I’d have to do to make you want me.
To make you love me.
But I keep coming up with nothing.
I’m so sick of being the bigger person
In a fucked up attempt to stop the hurting.
It was always me that had to try.
I just wanted a relationship with you
But every time I drove to Jersey,
I left with tears in my eyes.
Somehow you’re still putting all the blame on me.
Telling my brothers that it’s all my fault.
But you never came to PA for me.
I hear how often you’ve come to visit them in hopes they wouldn’t tell me.
I just never understood what I ever did to you?
I deserved to have a father, too!
Sometimes I wonder how I turned out to be such a great mother.
I must’ve fallen so far from the family tree.
For all I know,
You and mom probably pushed me.
It’s a shame because I’m actually proud of who I am today.
I’m nothing like you
And that feels good to say.
I did it all on my own.
I guess I never really needed your support or guidance.
It would’ve been nice to have
But that feeling’s subsided.
No one told me how much it was gonna hurt me to lose you.
I guess that’s because I never really knew you.
The irony in that is painful.
Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
And in the meantime I spent every second trying to hate you.
By now you probably don’t even remember who I am.
That’s the hardest part of all of this!
‘Cause no one had the nerve to tell me you were sick!
Now it’s too late to know you
And I don’t know how to cope with it.
I just wanted answers to the questions I’ll never let go!
Why was that always so hard for you?
Just tell me that you always loved me.
Tell me there was some kind of reason that I just didn’t know
And wouldn’t understand.
Tell me that you hate that we never had a relationship
because you never gave us a chance.
Tell me that it kills you that you don’t even know who I am!
Just tell me anything.
‘Cause anything has got to feel better than this!
I hate that I don’t even hate you.
‘Cause that’s just not who I am.
I wish I could fucking forget you!
But I just can’t.
I’ll never stop wondering
what it might’ve been like to have a dad.
Now it’s too late.
And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that.

my grandmother stands
in the kitchen, whispering
the ancient stew’s spell

but now I am grown
let’s walk back the path of time
teach me your knives’ way

The elections drama is thick in the air,
The candidates are battling it out,
with a war of words against each other.
America, the greatest amongst all they say.
Yet, they cannot get their affairs together.
Why lecture another country about their political affairs, when they have a felon running
for office?
Why interfere in others elections when no one can stick their nose into yours?
Election, the race is on, it’ll be interesting to see who’ll take up the oval office soon.

Here’s to all the songs I wrote, the sleepless nights I couldn’t quote. The love died fast, you walked away, while I sit here in dismay. The countless people you told lies, the countless people who cut the ties. You were bound to me; you broke the bond. For one last touch I once so longed. I’ll keep it simple if I may, while you laugh, I cry and chip away. I chip and chip at this stone façade, till it empties out all on my arms. While you’ve moved on, I have not. Don’t cry for me, you’re all I’ve got.

Halloween is near
The Ghosts and Ghouls watching
everything I do.

It cowers in the corner,
newly born.
I turn my spite-soaked back,
riddled with resentment
and pull the thin veil
to sink beneath its cover.
I will not watch it crawl,
but it breathes,
a shadow
at the edge of my own
threatening to merge.
It waits, as I do
for nothing
while I ignore its cries
and mine.
And I turn to stone
silently refusing
the darkness at my feet.
~
It screams
a piercing shrill
that grips my core.
It pokes and presses
every bruise,
clawing at my skin
with high-pitched scratches.
Enraged, I seize it.
A thunderous wrath
echoes within,
bubbling in the chambers
of my worn-out heart.
Relentless waves
crash with intent
to swallow
as a storm unleashes
its fury.
~
Fear consumes,
as the burning truth
nears the brink.
Boiling rage
simmers
to a helpless
desperation.
I plead for reprieve,
a momentary pause
in overwhelming pain.
Offering promises,
a compromise…
myself.
I wait
tossing pennies
into an overflowing well,
and watch
as my wishes spill.
~
Rain cascades
from hollow black eyes,
as its touch
pierces my chest.
And at last
the dam
breaks…
flooding the space
with the pent-up poison
that’s been swelling within.
I trade my veil
for a heavy blanket
of fog
as hope is smothered.
Color dulls to gray,
and I surrender
to the haze.
~
It holds me
in its evolving arms,
and strokes my dampened hair,
whispering comfort
as if to apologize
for its very existence.
It is mine,
born of a final breath
to dwell in my shadow,
and thrive inside a void.
I tend to it
as it tends to me,
embracing what remains,
just a fragment
of that final breath
to hold in my lungs.
And I succumb
as it rises
from the isolated corner
to walk beside me,
fully grown.

Maybe next time, I should get a dragon.
An immortal being
that shoots fire
and spreads its wings across the sky.

I could sit on its back,
guiding it over skyscrapers
and watching people
take in the shining emerald scales of my pet.

But there would be something missing.
The memory of a life spent on the ground;
a hole inside me that will not close.

The dragon may smile and soar through the air;
it may take me to wondrous cities in the clouds.
But when playing fetch, the stick would ignite,
and its scales would never be as soft as fur.

That memory of a life on the ground would linger,
of fetching balls for hours on end,
of excited jumping and face-licking when I reached home,
of cuddling against each other as the TV plays in the background,
of you howling, trying to speak after I told you I loved you,
of sitting down and petting a gorgeous, happy, fluffy beast.
The memory of you.

Dragons live forever
and dragons don’t get cancer,
but given the choice between you and a dragon,
I’d still pick you.

Maybe instead of a dragon,
I wish I had you back,
only maybe with wings,
and definitely without cancer.

Even though you’re not a dragon,
and you didn’t live forever,
that’s how long I will love you.