Category: Uncategorized

I do not want to be your favorite
I do not want to be your precious
Can you not understand,
that I fear the eyes of the jealous?
She loves you,
and speaks of her day
She cares for your stories
She’s quick to obey
I am none of these things
Not even close
Yet you whisper in my ear,
that you love me the most
I grow heavy with the guilt,
of not reciprocating your love,
and I grow heavy with the regret,
that she is not enough
She is beautiful and kind,
soft and sweet
She asks about your day,
and makes sure that you eat
If you cannot love her,
then set her free
But do not drag me into this mess,
and attempt to love me

Fear is a privilege. You worry that it might happen and you worry some more and then it happens and it’s not fear anymore, it’s your mom’s uncle calling you on the phone saying “Call me whenever you need anything, anything at all.”

The screaming stops eventually. It’s a simple fact of lung capacity. By the time your throat’s recovered you’re already telling them that it’s fine. And it is, in some sense. It didn’t kill you, like you said it would. It didn’t even come close.

There are a lot of things that still haven’t happened. Make sure your throat’s in good shape. You’ll need it to top your last performance.

Army ants,
legionary they said.
But there’s only four,
they’re all queens
they said.
Blindly spiraling around in their fabricated nest.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Looked into the void and the void stared back
I told the void “A little more and I’ll crack”
The void said “Quit, I can’t be bothered to handle your shit”
I said “Me neither” It said “Hypocrite”

I said “Im not”
I just miss my old self a lot
And this feeling really sucks
And there seems to be no thought

It said “Go talk to the darkness it’ll know what to do”
I said “okay but this feels Deja Vu”
The Void “Said cool now leave me alone”
I said “Whatever” and left on my own

Called to Darkness and it didn’t respond
Didn’t say anything but I heard it yawn
Told it the void called a hypocrite
It finally responded and it said “Yeah a bit”

I asked “Why?”
I feel like I died
What have yall done to me?
I feel like I can’t see

It said “Go talk to the Abyss”
And by the way stop being a little bitch
It’s not cute
And you should try and quit

Spoke to the Abyss and the Abyss said No
I never even got to say Hello
The Abyss said “No, no more helping those”
“Those who hurt you, who pain you and leave you in these Lows”

I asked “Why? I just to help all”
I just want to stop this free fall
I want to feel again, Not this numb
Cant even remember where I came from

“Go speak to the ghost like the attached puppy you are”
I said “Stop that it’s not funny anymore”
The Abyss Laughed and told me to leave, I don’t need you now
I scoffed and left “man I don’t know how”

Called to the ghost and the ghost said “Hey, Friend why are you out this late?
It’s like 2am and the cities are dead. Has the candy hit your brain?”
I told the Ghost that I’ve lost myself, free falling everyday
The Ghost said “Friend, what has happened to you? for you to be this way?”

I don’t know it’s been creeping everyday
It’s been a very heavy weight to weigh
Whenever im asleep or whenever Im awake
But this hit me like an Earthquake

The Ghost said “Friend you were born this way”
With love and passion oh so great
Some people don’t begin to comprehend
That it’s not neediness you’re just a good friend

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Im needy, I know but you love that about me
Your voice is so sweet, it’s like a symphony
And you don’t need to even worry about me
I’m a pet, a toy, and you’re a Hot deity

I tell you that I want it, I want it quite a lot
And Id do anything for you, yes id do it without a thought
I talk to you because I like you, I like you because you’re mine
And I always think about you, yes it’s all the time

Your Beauty should be a sin, it’s my temptation
The way you talk to me it’s a sensation
No I dont want to leave cause I really wanna stay
And no matter what ill give my soul away

This is a letter to the girl who’s been shot down, and broken
She put a wall over her emotions, I want to be her token
I can make her feel better, move in slow motion
Im addicted now, I took a sip of your potion

Shes wary of love cause shes been hurt
And I wonder why anyone would do that, cause shes a Dessert
She’s so sweet, like Cinnamon
I can see it in her eyes when she holds my chin

Cause I want her heart, all to myself
Because I don’t want to leave her on the shelf
Cause I want to love her, with all my soul
After all, that’s my only goal

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Oh, well she’s upset
And now you’re worrying like a worthless pet
Dont overthink itll lead you to hell
Because you shes got you under a spell

Oh, well she’s happy
It sucks that you crave it that badly
Go ahead, keep your hands to yourself
Just wait till she’s upset again and you’ll be on the shelf

Oh, well she’s down
And she won’t open up so you think you let her drown
But she promises she’s okay
But you know that she’s not and she’s starting to fray

Oh, well she’s feeling bad
And that’s not good but you don’t want to make her mad
Because when she’s mad you start to overthink
And when that starts to happen you cant even blink

Oh, well now she’s gone
And your mind doesnt know whats really going on
It wasn’t your fault, but you blame yourself
Now you’re right back on the shelf

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Two hours —
but I’d drive anywhere
to get my fix.

There, on the corner
beneath a grimy street sign —
there it is.

And I pull over
for the drug deal,
the transaction I return to
over and over again.
Because I do.
Because I’m sick.

Not a needle in my vein,
but a magnet to my blood.

You blink, seeing me.
You swagger, being you.
It’s you with the tracks.
It’s you, strung out — again.
And I’m here,
our baby in tow —
the creation of love,
the creation of lies —
picking up you
because you never can.

The heat hisses off the sidewalk
when you get in,
and it ignites the space between us.
It always fucking does.

That’s why I return.
And return.
And return.

I burn.
And I hate myself for it —
the kiss,

the pull,
the fucking draw
that shouldn’t be.

You love venom.
And I love you
because I never knew
when I fell —
but didn’t I?
With red flags on fire.

But red flags feel safe.
I’ve been blanketed in them
since a girl.

My father.
Now you.

I am home in hell.

You speak without words.
Empty promises.
You don’t have to.

I’m still here —
love sick,
strung out
on fucking you.

What an honor it is
To breathe the morning air.
Crisp and sweet dew settled
Recklessly, without care.

What a joy it is
To dance amidst the high noon sun.
Laughter rising between friends
Shared memories of days gone.

And o the sweet dusk
Enjoyed with those most adored.
Painted skies above
Reflecting our love below.

When the night comes again
Welcome hand outstretched.
I shall take it with a smile
After a day so well spent.

Theres,
like,
a hole.
Throw up my hands
Screaming at a sky for my failure
With a fingernail scratched of polish
Of a fake nail torn from bed
Beautiful,
And not mine.

My throat pink and fleshy and skinned and

Craning back to stare gagged at vomit
Shiny innards reflecting opaquely.

They say drinking water helps,
But curled over myself
I continue to wretch.
Unhelping and
Suffering for myself.

Seeing bugged like buggyBuggy,
Buggy from that cartoon.
Desperately I try to close my lived eyes
No use when vomit will shine
through skin of eyelids
Straight into my mind.
Bulged pupil dilated twice.

Whore.
It’s called – being forever bare
(and lazy too).
I know
The way the sun hit my back,
Never spoke nor whispered
It hit my surroundings but
Never reached our dirty lives
Or your dark head down my chin and sight.

Sniff. I hope you sniff with both our eyes wide
The proximity intimate.
Get to know my cheeks and hair clips,
My face soft and rosy,
I know it’s what you like.

Touch my legs again,
Then – when you will
Let us both acknowledge
how I have slippers on,
Hiding the tiny toes
Peaking and wiggling.

Baby pinky
Went to the market
Baby piggy
Peach and nude
Baby is right.

We both stare into the pit of my brown iris.
Im begging God to show me
Proof that monsters too can cry
Over responsibility
Disregarded selfishly.

I hope your nose squirms shamefully,
Trying to sneeze.
Two fingers up your nose
Up your body.

Nothing changes
I’ll come back tomorrow
I’ll open up again
And I’ll continue to stare.
Then I’ll come back tomorrow
And tomorrow
And I’ll continue to stare
I’ll come back tomorrow
And

soaring, somewhere / the score and the relentless edit /
the humanity they jarred for us to unjar here / when
the hand rolls film and faces react with truth,
what was penned once somewhere on napkins,
or notepads, or software, has reached into time, and kept
something for itself / phone off, eyes locked in, mind
and heart carried out and elsewhere / magical gasps,
laughter, and overlapping senses / diet soda and buttered
popcorn, the surrender of sense, the shared passengership
of the room, the mood, lifted and lowered / the stands,
in our sights / the moon in our mind / with a ticket,
the places we’ll fly

How exciting
Deciding to live
Persevere

Parsing your story
Extracting any purpose
Still choosing to probe

The right to life
Implies the inverse
Though that seems so frightening

To extend contemplation
Beyond familiarity
How daunting

What a pity
Living as a passenger
When action is at your fingertips

Decisiveness
That’s courage
Exploring untamed wilderness

We recognize the unknown’s silence
But destiny is alluring
Both to me and the man at the helm

Potential, promise, temptation
That’s what draws me in
But I don’t dare venture further

A self-fulfilling prophecy
I return to that final stage
Though I stand at the edge––trembling

While I’m not set on permanent solution
I’m familiar with her effects
Seducing lost minds into a facade of control

Warm baths numb the pain
Stories told in a few lines
Scan her arms for a memoir

Possibilities are endless
Yet I’m still too shy to meet them
Hopefully I’ll stay timid

I’ve settled on indecision
Not for lack of trying
Life just seems insurmountable

We keep enduring
Not in search of purpose
But in resigned acceptance of her absence

September 5th, 2023

Tears
Run
Streaming
Brutal Loss
Shouting Life is Short
Your Death was a Blow to the Heart.