Title: Can’t you see?
Author: Mary V. Saenko
Genre(s): dark, long, sad, painful, hurt, life
I want to be liked.
When I look at myself in the mirror,
All I feel is shame.
I am ashamed of what I look like,
But more than anything,
I am ashamed of who I’ve always been on the inside.
I am ashamed when I open my mouth,
Why do I have to speak?
Can’t you see?
I, too, don’t want to be this annoying!
I can’t help but say stupid things,
Why can’t I shut up?
Why can’t I just be like everyone else?
I don’t want to be me.
I want to be someone else, somebody just like everyone.
You can tell, can’t you?
That I really want you to like me,
Really want you to like me so I can like me too.
This desperation is pathetic,
Let’s stick two fingers down my throat,
So that maybe yesterday’s bottled up regrets after yet another failed conversation
Will come out
Along with today’s special course:
Clogging my throat and my ears and my head and you,
Do you gag like me?
My tragic attempt to be friendly and likable
Does nothing but highlight my obnoxiousness.
Does it make you gag, too?
Just say it already!
You hate me, don’t you?
Your words can’t hurt me.
You see, the overwhelming desire to dissapear
Is already my dearest companion;
Its hobbies are joining clubs
Just to feel like you don’t fit in,
Listening to sad songs
Just to cry,
Just to feel unwelcome,
And by far, my favorite,
Talking to people who you hope are your friends,
Who you want to connect to,
Who you wish you were,
Just to feel unwanted,
Just to be unwanted,
Just to be alone.
Just to always approach others to start a conversation.
Just to go home by yourself on the last day of school.
Just to squeeze right in the corner of that group photo.
Just to avert eye contact knowing you will always be picked last for a project.
Just to know that if you weren’t here, everyone would be happier.
You ruin everything.
“Why did you show up?”
Can’t you read the room?
Nobody wants you here.
I don’t want to be here.
I just want to be liked.
Will someone else ever like me
When even I don’t like myself?
I can already tell what you are thinking,
Don’t worry, I won’t make you say it out loud.
But it doesn’t bother me,
I think this is something we can both agree on.
And if you say “I don’t like you,”
I will laugh
Because in this game, I always have the high ground.
And if you say “I hate you,”
I will exclaim
If hating yourself is an art,
Well then call me Picasso,
For nobody can hate me
As much as I hate myself.