I forage for her, the doll of my disappointment
a spray of brittle twigs
a faggot of fallen fronds
crusty sticks with lesions of lichen
crouched over, calling up my ancient sister.
Then it is only a matter of seeing and she takes shape.
A forked branch and spindly legs start running,
shock of invisible fingers
guts hanging out
half a skirt of flax flowers,
all bundled together
leaving a strong stick where her head will go.
Overnight she stands sentinel,
my doll of disappointment,
through my sleepless 4 AM and discarded novels.
My insides agitate like giant kelp in a blowhole.
Somewhere a strange crying
but each time I get up the whimpering stops.
In the morning the pillow is wet.
I’m flimsy yet my ache weighs heavy on the bathroom scales.
I count my losses in the vanity’s distorting mirror.
It feels like something died. Like I never had a chance.
I craft her head from crumpled cellophane
and glinting, spooky transparency,
attach a savage halo
consider lengths of yarn the violent red of secobarbital
but she’s done. I nurse the day
while she fossicks in the underneaths
grubbing out contagion,
cursing humbug and sideshow
drowning out the comfort of friends
muttering spells to turn my gaze away
daubing herself with horse manure
full of grass seed that will eventually sprout green.