Read Poem: A Pair of Pants for God, by Shaun Darius

It was far from a normal day in Heaven
Though how could you even begin to categorize
A normal day for the Architect of Creation?

Yet one fact could not be disputed:
God needed an extra spare pair of pants.

Bring to me a new tailor, the Lord commanded,
Only to be greeted by nearly-audible overtones of silence.

Father, came the voice of one valiant angel,
We could begin stitching now, yet it would require
Half of an entire Creation merely to piece together your fabric.

So? responded God… What’s a mere half-of-a-Creation compared to all of infinity?

And we would have to link all the riparian lands of the earth
Simply to connect the seams, another angel observed, in a studious and scholarly tone.

And your point is? God inquired.

They could sense Him simultaneously overhead and sideways, as if
The primal essence of His Beingness was steadily filling each and every
Vacuum of uncharted space with opalescent luminescence.

What’s unfashionable about the current pair of your leisurewear? Archangel Uriel prodded, ever-so gently.

I’ve had this ragged, old smock since the beginning of Creation, replied the Lord.
And its pockets are currently encrusted with the grimy dust of time!

Have you considered the Whirlpool Galaxy? Archangel Michael boldly inquired.

And WHAT am I to wear whilst my ‘smock of ages’ is washed via whirlpool? demanded the Creator.

God, we will surround your visage with a cloak of light, replied the assembled seraphim.

About your head, we shall place the constellation Orion.
About your torso, we shall drape the powerful constellation Centaurus.
About your midsection, the expanded bow & arrow of Sagittarius;
Whilst about your legs and feet, almighty God, the laughter and dimples of an entire expanse of Pisces.
And remember, Lord God Almighty, we can always apply fabric softener in the river Eridanus.

Beyond that, Father God, a cherub squeaked, to his immediate regret,
You can always consider previewing the still-fashionable online store, BIG & TALL.

Humph, said Father God. Then quite a bit louder, HUMPH!

And WHERE is BIG & TALL in my Bible? The Creator pointedly asked, arching His inquisitive eyebrows
Higher than Mount Everest.

Somewhere east of Jerusalem, a pipsqueak of yet another cherub answered nervously,
Only to be shushed up. Yet befitting his youth as well as his boldness, this particular cherub
Could not so easily be silenced. He stood upon the brawny shoulders of more than 100,000 angels,
Who quite easily read the little one’s thoughts, yet spoke altogether in an eerie and perfected unison:

Lord, none of us has ever been able to see you, announced the entire angelic choir. You are so big
That a single follicle of your hair elongates further than the Amazon River. The zipper for your blue jeans
Is longer than the transcontinental railroad. And —

THEY’RE WHITE JEANS! thundered Father God.

Seven thousand light years away, in the Eagle Nebula, a new and abrupt flowering of dazzling stars was born.

Into the massive spinning of the cosmos, comets began streaking like searchlights across the eastern sky.
Venus erupted with a fresh lava flow. And little Lord Pluto, for several minutes, was bumped off its far-distant orbit.

God stretched, and for as wide as the eye could see,
Yods and sparks of light sparked and streaked
Within the royal purple velvet of continuous and unending space.

You know, sighed the Father, perhaps I could get by, merely for three or four hundred years,
With some drawstring yoga pants. Cotton. Yes, pre-washed cotton! I shall ask
Athena, Aphrodite, and Diana to locate a pair of extra-comfy drawstring yoga pants for me,
During their continuously restless celestial travels.

Lord, added Ezekiel, we can also gather the flowers of the earth, to create a fragrant Hawaiian lei for You,
To drape across your never-ending shoulders…

There was what appeared to be an eternity of silence after Ezekiel’s suggestion.
Until God spoke with a most-gigantic belly-laugh. Vigorously. A boisterous laugh of unparalleled enormity!

Far below, earthquakes rocked and shook Fairbanks, Alaska; and the upper half of Siberia and Mongolia;
As well as barely-contained, completely secretive caverns; and the as-yet unmapped and rarely-traveled,
Virtually remote parts deeply nestled within the Caucasian Mountains.

I’m not a tourist, announced the Lord, and never shall I be merely a visitor
To the unspeakable chasms of My splendorous Creation!

All at once, He smiled, and everyone assembled basked in His multidimensional radiance.

There was nothing left to say. As it was, and had always been, since the beginning of recorded time,
The love of God cleansed and washed away every concern and momentary worry.

© 2021 ShaunDarius Gottlieb