A Western Ballad for My Nephew
Well, Pardner, let me tell you of a monumental day
when all the yellow lily-livered cowpokes ran away,
And many townsfolk chose to hide one dusty afternoon,
when Colin came a-callin’ and made the ladies swoon.
He was handsome, suave and charming – a prize for any gal!
– An infamous gunslinger from the Okeydoke Corral
(And grandson of Cow Patty, a lady of the west)
who came, one fateful day, to put the menfolk to the test.
He galloped into town on his trusty stallion, Nelly,
with a scorchin’ in his throat and a rumblin’ in his belly.
He quickly checked his bags at the Empty Arms Hotel t
hen sauntered through the saloon doors and rang the barkeep’s bell.
“Gimme a bag o’ cheetos and a strawb’ry yoo-hoo.”
The bartender complied, and brought some jujubes too.
His hands shook as he did so, but he gave his finest service;
And, truth be told, everybody there that day was nervous.
The barkeep kept the yoo-hoo comin’ cuz, I s’pose, he reckons
when Colin comes a-callin’, he may as well have seconds.
“I’ll challenge all you orn’ry chappies to a game of snap,
And when I win, I’ll go upstairs and have a little nap.”
Now, snap’s a card game most complex that only real men do,
(- Just as only real he-men drink strawb’ry yoo-hoo.)
And Colin was a cunning expert at this game of cards!
Feet fumbled… fingers fidgeted… I gotta tell you, pards …
The silence was deaf’ning in the bar that day,
and the men spoke not one word – for cowards all were they!
Then the girls came forward, eager to be near the shootist
and knowing Colin only paid attention to the cutest.
They winked their eyes ‘n’ waved their hands ‘n’ twirled their little curls.
“Y’all are purdy, but there’s only time for one kiss, girls!”
The sighs of disappointment! Then Colin turned to Sue –
“Hey, Colin’s come a-callin’ and he’s got a peck for you!”
Sue blushed and giggled, puckered up and bravely raised her face
and Colin planted smacky smooches all over the place!
Her chin, her hair, her eyebrows – when would he call it quits!?
Her cheeks and nose and earlobes… somehow he missed her lips…
Somebody coughed, somebody sniffed, somebody’s feet shuffled.
Someone softly said “a-hem”, kinda quiet and muffled.
“Excuthe me, thir, you thed one kith but you gave her a duthen.
And whath’s more, Thue’s to marry me! (though she’s my thecond cuthin).
I thay, thir, pick another girl to shower with affection
or, perhapth, another town, if thath’s your predilection.”
The townsfolk gasped and stared at Ben then all snuck off to hide
Leaving Colin, Sue, and Ben standing there inside.
See, Colin’s reputation made all the people shudder.
They went back to working crops and farms, and milking milk-cows’ udders.
“We’ll settled this – an all or nuthin’ wager! Ain’t it scary?!”,
Colin smirked – but Ben stood firm, his eyes both wide and wary.
The game of snap became a dastardly deal of doom.
Sue stepped away, leaving them alone in the saloon.
The cards came fast and furious, the favours fell to Ben
And beads of sweat appeared on Colin’s forehead – and then!
Colin caught Ben in the act!! A card was up his sleeve!!
“You lyin’, cheatin’, stinkin’ thief – I’m askin’ you to leave!”
Well, Ben backed off. “Ben here, done that”, he answered simply.
“Thue never loved me anywayth becuth’ I’m old and pimply.”
The shabby rustler sidled off and folks were glad he left
(Ben reeked of mothballs and dog barf, plus he had bad breath.)
And folks saw Colin differently – a tough man until recent
When Colin rid their village of a feller most indecent.
Then he and them played checkers and card games (- mostly snap),
And everybody came to know him as a righteous chap.
The gals and Sue all loved our hero, Colin the Clean Cutie.
Who next time came a’callin’ and made Sue his hot patootie.
Now Colin comes a’callin’ about four times a year
And this grandson of Cow Patty is the cowboy they hold dear!
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