Deeds made in earnest lost
Float away hovering stay
Nothing truly goes away
Our yearning makes them stray
But only us not they
Sparkling light like day in night
In fright take flight
Grasp bonds of multidimensional sight
Brown sugar in a coffee cup
Every molecule knows all there is to know
Not time a factor to fathom
On the windowsill
When it rains it pours
Love to open doors
Wet with loves embrace
This morning her face
A tear
The sun
Through clouds
Race to soak a grief imagined
When all is hidden
In the cupboard of endless desires
Wants to light the fires of perpetual misdeeds
A stranger’s eyes
And the day begins
Listening;
waiting, wanting, wishing
that it doesn’t hurt
or won’t;
ever.
I be the one
to learn, know, how
to cope.
Into a dream it becomes,
forever floating inside,
like a balloon.
Waiting to be popped…
I blow it up again.
A new false dawn has broken
Over the trees, pausing for a while,
Before the sense of disappointment
Ringing in our ears, shatters the hope
We had, like a careless ignorant boy.
Smashing a piece of glass into
Dangerous vicious sharp shards –
There’s nothing worse than that.
There is a moment before
Disillusionment becomes disgust,
That time we saw a ring of innocence,
Girls holding hands in a circle,
In an opening amid the trees,
After the picnic; they imagine
A better world of generous
Co-operation, but they fail.
They failed because important people
Smothered the flame of hope, and turned it
Into smoke and ashes. We cannot
Forget such a betrayal; it hurts us
Till we bleed, more in remembrance,
Not to suffer yet another loss,
Before we gain some knowledge of the truth,
Hidden from us, so long ago.
Then dig up the past; let its rotten carcase
Be examined for evidence of the truth,
Which we cannot determine, so many years
After the event; the tune remains the same,
Repeated over and over again; so harsh, so painful,
An indelible deliberate record,
Of something we would much rather forget,
If only we could – but, we still keep alive.
The floodgates of our sorrow open up,
Without discretion; avoidable damage
Given an opportunity, finds itself,
Being done, dominant, foreboding:
The endless struggle to explain the past,
Being known, without a reason, why
A thing happened, an essential compromise,
So necessary, it seemed at the time.
Own the past – no, disown the past.
It’s still a puzzle, how things turned out;
An old man with rotten teeth, gaps, holes,
Looking back on the young man he used to be,
Must conclude, Time is unkind; it always was,
It always will be. We learn our lessons
By the mistakes we make; not before,
Always after the event, even if we predict
The consequences of our foresight.
There’s always tomorrow, the old saw says;
The possibilities lost, don’t think
About them any more. A little paper boat
Will float and – give it a push – will travel
Some distance, until it soaks and sinks.
Our hopes and what we never did in the past,
Are the same: they should be forgotten, but –
They haunt us still. Nothing remains the same,
Except the past, which never changes.
If the desire or purpose was to change,
We must assimilate possibility,
Prevent accidents by applying
The core of our integrity, not to do
Things we know are wrong for our peace of mind;
Our future is not fixed or futile, unless
We admit defeat, which some said, we deserved:
That only makes it worse, by told-you-so.
I would not have this life by choice – only by
My own incompetent negligence, imposed
On me by others. That is, the end.
For the women butchered
with clitoridectomies
not to feel intimacy
passion or mutuality in sex
but mutilated
I grieve.
For the women forced
into loveless marriages,
custom be damned, to be
slaves to men who care little
for them or their bodies or
personhood
I grieve.
For the countless, innocent
female victims of war started
by men to advance their egos,
who have been raped, defiled,
left as untouchables
I grieve.
For the silent victims of domestic
abuse, beaten, left with broken bones,
internal injuries, splenectomies, who
cover for cruel spouses out of fear and
misplaced loyalty
I grieve.
These women do not whimper
They speak without a sound.
This land is so cold,
Covered in snow,
Filled with memories,
Of a time from long ago.
Nostalgic thoughts don’t seem right,
In the prismatic aura,
Of bright holiday light,
But these feelings still remain,
For they are all the same…
A rush,
To find the right gift.
A rush fueled by adoration,
As emotions flow so swift.
A mad rush,
That leads me all about.
No escape from the anxiety,
That appears when she’s near.
My feelings are hidden beneath the exterior,
Of this seasonal holiday cheer.
Oh, it is a madness,
That wears me out,
It wears me out…
Filled with anticipation,
Yet daunted by feelings of dread,
Moving with the spirit of the season,
As conflicting thoughts swirl in my head,
And images of the affection I want to win…
Under the mistletoe,
We converge from different directions.
Then we share a tender moment,
But fail to make a meaningful connection,
Parting with regrets,
For what could have been…
But somewhere in that frosty December,
In the memory of the fleeting kiss,
Is a time of lucidity I remember,
As calmness replaces holiday bliss,
Because I need this,
I need this…