How to Kill Yourself, Poetry by Emma Miles

 Genres- Depression, suicide, dark, angry, painful, personality, death, hope, life, relationships.

—–

 Stop looking at yourself in the mirror
Your reflection will make you narcissus
Ignore the dark circles
The rough patches
The discoloration
You already know about all of these things.
Don’t think about how you are alive
Have been alive
And will be alive
For a long time to come.
Stop listening when people give you compliments
Smile
Look down
And giggle
Make it seem like you’re blushing
You don’t really feel anything anymore.
Forget the first house you lived in
Let these things wash from your memory
Talk about them
Tell everyone everything about yourself
Once they have it it’s not yours any more
It’s not your burden.
Let people compliment your eyes
Even though they remind you of your father
And every time someone tells you
That you have beautiful eyes
That they could get lost in them
That they remind them of moss
And soft forest floors
Allow yourself to imagine birds
Plucking out your eyes
But never tell anyone what he has done.
Drink
Drink as much and as often as you can
Never seek out the situations
Allow them to arise organically
But take full advantage of them.
Ignore what your body is doing
Pay no attention to the ache in your left kidney
Move past the sharp jolt in your liver
Warning signs are everywhere
But you have to keep running past them.
Get hit a lot
Sit on your bruises
Bite down your pain.
Be loud
Be as loud
As obnoxious
As annoying as you want
Then listen when people say things that you already know
And then cry
And then blame them for making you do things
Things like dumping out their shampoo
Ruining the lock on their door
Carving things into their faux-wood flooring
Never flushing the toilet
It’s not your fault.
Bang your fists against your temples
Like you saw someone do on an episode of SVU
When you were 11 and suicidal
Feel your own rage put back inside your body
Hate yourself
Hate your stretchmarks
Hate the fact that you can’t bring yourself
To do anything other than hit your body
Over
And over.
Kiss people
Stick your tongue down their throats
Even though it makes you nauseous
Feel yourself becoming friends with them
Understand the bond that you have
Never allow it to become anything more
Set up boundaries
Make yourself sick
Make them happy
In the end your own lament makes you overjoyed.
Remember the time you swallowed a handful of pills
And you lie to people and say they were prescription
But they were motrin
But there were a lot
You counted them all out
You got into the shower
You filled your mouth with them
You swallowed
You waited
You threw up
You can’t die.
Not yet.
You have to suffer through a little bit more
And then you can go away for good.
I can’t offer a quick fix
I’m all about the long game
The soft and slow torture
Making yourself a bit more miserable than you already are.
Do these things every day
At least once a day
And you’ll eventually fade into nothing.
And that’s the sweet part.

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