Read Poem: Illumination by Joy Espiel

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A troubled soul having sleepless nights and conflicted emotions.
I find it overwhelming to see a lot of patterns, insights, and symbols.
I have been manifesting, praying and crying..
Scattered thoughts and heavy heart makes me feel dead, with a boulder inside.
Hopeless, wrecked, Idle, suicidal and catatonia.
Then there’s the feeling of being used, worthless and lied and anhedonia
It’s far more worse than being slapped side by side —
A TRUTH I couldn’t hide.

Numbers, events and synchronicities.
Is this really a lesson the universe is trying to teach me?
Close the door, walk away and get over soon?
Is this the sign, I have been waiting for??
The moment I need— a chance to start and move on?
Alignment and clarity here and there,
Finding balance in this limbo we are trapped in.

Staring myself in front of the mirror..
I saw a tired and wounded warrior.
“Stop being weak and vulnerable!” I say.
Trying to be optimistic, while I’m wiping my ttears..
Closing my eyes, searching for things that push me through,
“Aim SUCCESS , learn to INVEST and make a BETTER YOU.

Again, with the pain inside my chest,
Makes it really hard for me to forget.
Step by step, I’m trying to walk away..
with the TRAUMA even TIME nor elixir can’t heal.

For once, a realization hit me,
it’s never wrong to fall,
it’s never wrong to admit feelings.
Stupid as what others might think of me
I still LOVE the person who HURT me.
Yes! The one that got away.

With endurance and patience, I face it all:
“Oh Dear! I thought I wasn’t capable of LOVING and CARING another soul.
With all the failures and adversities,
I find myself emerging once again
A new life ahead, a new chapter to begin.
Crazy, passionate and eccentric woman— whatever terms that define me.
“I am still HUMAN”
“I am WORTHY”
“I am BLESSED'”
and I DESERVE a person who will VALUE and RESPECT the real me.

Jespielcirca2019