I suffer from chronic personality disorder
Also called emotional dysregulation disorder,
where I suffer from mood swings and behavioral changes,
just like abruptly changing seasons,
winter to monsoon,
monsoon to summer,
not following the regular order.
order to keep track of my body
I keep forgetting what happened 2 mins back,
but remember every time my heart was pierced
sold in the market,
at a price as low as the value of plastic.
The symptoms of it says,
rising expectations from people,
people you have invested in.
It becomes part of your daily life,
as expectations are not for people who suffer.
as expectations are privileges I cannot afford.
Abrupt mood swings opens space of discomfort
like those between states and countries
unsaid and cold,
like my red eyes after every suicidal thoughts I have.
I fear to talk to the person I love,
like a kid afraid of falling from bicycle
or a man afraid to fall in love.
I stay blank unable to talk,
As I my mouth has been stitched
because words will take them far from me.
and I won’t be able to see them again
or maybe I will see them
through my soul and not eyes,
with love and no love in return,
these Symptoms leads me to paranoia,
like smoking leads to cancer
addictive and unrequited
My disorder is no different,
It takes me far from people,
people I love,
people for whom I have killed myself again and again,
people who don’t know anything about my sufferings,
Today I tell you with all my strength and love
All my life and vulnerability
I am not okay,
I am suffer from chronic personality disorder
leading to paranoia
that my love for you
works as needles and threads
stitching my mouth to not say anything,
and listen to you
with my eyes red in colour
I love you.
I wish to be okay.
I seek help.